Facing Up.

Half of the room is littered with my old army stuff, freshly dugged out from under the bed and given its ceremonial dust off. I should pack all my stuff but the room's a mess and I can't be bothered. I just throw myself into more music and games, stuff that I have put aside for the last one year.

Ever since I dropped out of the SA, I have been coming to grips with the sudden void or lack of direction. I have never realized how much my day to day life depended on the drive or pressure of constantly having something to tend to or do. While I have complained about having 100 over emails a day to read and reply to and getting random students messaging or calling me about stuff, secretly.. it gave me a sense of purpose. And many of you have asked me, why then did I drop out of the students' association council?

I know I have given many answers to this question but it was only a few nights ago, in the still of the morning.. that still of the morning when its so quiet you could finally hear your heart speak.. that i realized why i dropped out of the SA. It was because of the team of friends that I gathered to come with me into the 6th SA. The team that I failed and the team that failed me.

I knew they would follow me (although one has always chose his own path). I knew I could lead them. But for different reasons, I could not get their commitment to follow me into the new council term. Some of you who may not know about the SA may scoff at this but please know that SA work is a thankless service, thankless most of the time at least. They dropped out and I lost my team and I have only myself to blame. A leader is nothing without a solid team. Oh, I could have still run and tried to work it out with the new team and many (and sometimes even I ) believe that I should have. In my head the vision and achievements I had for the SA burned too strongly for me to scale down and in my heart I knew I couldn't do it all. The landscape changed the last five days before the elections. I didn't recognize the view anymore. What a lesson.. you're not a general until your soldiers actually follow you into battle. Before that, you're just potential.

I felt I had to say it. I've had many serious blows during the last one term. It took all my energy to keep going, especially during the exams. I was ready to give up. Wayang Ramayana was a wonderful distraction from thinking. I can't imagine what would have happened if I didn't have it in my life at that time. Friends and family help. I feel the tendency to turn into a social recluse for awhile but I know that should hardly be the thing to do. I have to face all these issues to exorcize them. And that is why I'm writing about it.

Yes, I am disappointed. I have shared my vision and goal with you. You were inspired to follow. We were supposed to be a team together. While the work that this duty demands turns off most of the other students, I imagined that we would still do it. together. You changed your mind at the last minute. You never made clear your priorities till the last minute. You shut me out till it was all over. You didn't want to go for it because the rest didn't. I am disappointed in you but I do not blame you. Honestly. I blame myself. I am 100% responsible. If I was a good enough leader, you all would have followed. But I am not. I never made sure.

I knew some people whose men would follow them to hell and back. I am very far from these people but one day, I dream to be in their league.

Ah well. It is a lesson, among many. And letting this out here has somewhat lifted a weight off my chest. Now, to find the strength to get the rest of the weights off. I realized it is all these psychological baggages that puts a distance between me and everyone else.. and between me and the way I used to be, young and fun-loving. Gotta get rid of them one by one.