Where do you shoot them?

In a small portion of the internet, students from the various tertiary institutions of Singapore lurch battered and bruised to the nearest browser to type out onto their blogs, in relief, disbelief or utter esctasy, the words.. "today, my exams are over! *insert jumping emoticon*"

this initial declaration of freedom will be followed with detailed descriptions of various exam questions, with the necessary bitterness of how it all seemed to go against them and perhaps some measure of relief over the fact that it was finally done.

i can't seem to bring myself to feel the same.

somewhere in the back of my head, an alarm is going off. some bespectacled, balding security guard residing dormant at the security counter of my subconscious psyche is screaming at the top of his lungs, calling this nonchalance a grave cause of concern.

i think its because the nonchalance is spreading to everything, not just exams and grades.

is this a depression thing? i can't find the drive, motivation and excitement i used to have pushing through anything and everything. at the risk of sounding an arrogant brat, the capability is there but i am uninterested.

games, girls, grades, cca groups, social projects, music.. interesting yes.. but i am no longer pulled to anything. All I ask is something to arrest my attention, sweep me up in a crescendo of excitement and drive, rivet me to something more than ordinary.

maybe the problem lies with me. i need to break my mould then.

it's been a funny sort of week.

--

I performed at the Esplanade before, many years ago, in an acoustic performance by Moren Tea Estate. I was extremely driven by the band and its music back then. I remember that performance quite well and I remember a promise to someone that I haven't met since to not play the Bongos again.

After years of watching amazing bands and performances go up on to the Esplanade stage to perform, I finally found myself behind the Outdoor Theatre stage drumset, stepping up as the lights go on, sitting down and playing. I wonder why it is that we consider the bay performance venue such a milestone in a local musician's performance history. Or maybe it's just me. I knew how I played but it felt good indeed.

Especially good to use it as a reason to contact and catch up with so many long-lost friends. Walking and talking bits and pieces of my past wrapped up with a personality and the promise of greater things to come. On one perspective, it sounds a little selfish to describe friends as such. On another perspective, our observed universe is our universe.

I was also up at the 10th floor of the SMU Admin Building today. That was one of the first places I went to in the new campus. We had to recce it last year both for a rehearsal space for the Convocation as well as a temporary storage space for the Arts clubs assets. It's an entire floor, empty of any furniture or fixings, carpeted though but oh what a view. From Bugis to City Hall to the CBD to Fort Canning. I've spent quite abit of my time up there, with late night jammings in the super-equipped jamming space and the stage we built to rehearse Wayang Ramayana. I didn't realize I had such a connection to that space until today. We packed all the stuff up there today to be moved to the new location in the other building. That floor is to rented out I think. I guess, when I came to the City Campus, I found home in the SA Council Room as well as the 10th floor. Now, I will not have either. Nothing much to mope about really.. just.. worth a mention I guess.

Ah well. Still have lots to do. Clearing my room and securing that internship to Standard Chartered, if not IDA. Meetings, meetings, meetings still. I contemplated dropping everything and running off to an obscure beach resort with someone. Problem was I didn't know who to go with.

On another note, my family now knows that I find watching zombie movies very calming and relaxing. Something about watching hundreds of people milling around with only the barest of their primal instincts kicking in feels very natural. Like staring out a CBD window on a Monday morning.

Just shoot them in the head.